I am grateful for things that occur that are built in that remind me to continue to feel, like today.  I don’t know what it is or why or if it’s a guy thing or if I am weird, but I have the ability to either turn off my emotion or simply forget to feel all of the time.  As I become more conformed to the image of Christ, I think engaging with how I feel is becoming more and more normal.  I hope that it is.  But in the absence of that, days like today remind me.

A few weeks ago, Renee and I were getting ready in the bathroom one morning and Renee’ said “Hey you are going to have some money to spend in San francisco while we are there for Father’s day”.  It just came rolling off of her tongue, so normal, as if to say ‘C, you’re a dad, and father’s day is coming…’  Before that moment, although I had talked about Father’s day, been a part of planning for a Father’s day service at church, thought about what songs would be good on Father’s day, I seriously hadn’t connected the dots.  I started thinking about the realities of facing today, and realized ‘I’m a dad, of course I’m a dad, but I don’t HAVE him…I don’t get to BE with him.’  And I just started sobbing, it was such a trigger.  Isn’t that weird?  To be triggered that way?  All the ladies in the house say “that ain’t weird sucka”.  I just haven’t felt what triggers feel like.  It has really occurred to me that my ability to control my emotion has become something that I lean on a lot, and value, much to my dissatisfaction.  I have gotten to the place then where to feel pain on the inside of my core, is to also feel out of control.  It is interesting how that starts to affect us that way.  We hate feeling out of control, so we develop defense mechanisms and distastes towards those things that make us feel that way.  I think I can attribute a tremendous amount of my dislike for pain to this.  The worst part is how it has caused me to dislike my wife’s pain.  I repent, and I thank God, that by His Spirit, He is using all of this in my life to make me more like His Son.  It feels good to feel, even if feeling means feeling something I don’t love to feel.

This weekend has been hard leading worship.  We did “Blessed be Your name” in the services.  It was hard to sing “You give and take away” and not lose it.  More than that in every service, there was at least one person in full sob in the crowd during that entire song.  Many times I just cried with them, and felt this overwhelming and beautiful sense of God saying “C, you’re not alone buddy”.  I want to thank God for the 2 safe people who asked me at church today how I am doing and how this day is affecting me.  That was so good for my soul.  I am so blessed already by this body.  God is good.

God continues to really show Himself to us in this season.  This past week we had the chance to spend some time with some friends who were part of the inner circle in the days just following our loss of Titus.  It was so life-giving.  The crazy thing about it is that she is 8 months pregnant!  We weren’t sure how it would go, but man, awesome.  Renee’ picked up her camera for the first time since all of this, and actually had the desire to shoot.  I didn’t realize how not seeing Renee’ take pictures for this long was really affecting me, like not getting to see a part of my wife for three months, I was so grateful for that.  We are so unbelievably loved and taken care of by our friends, in such beautiful, hidden, small ways.  We feel loved by everyone, and are grateful for all of the people that have surrounded us, but God, in His abundant mercy, chose, and specifically appointed some folks, a short list of couples, to just carry this burden with us in such a unique way.  God laid that out before them before they took breath, and we are eternally grateful.  Those friendships are seared deep within us, and will always hold a special place.  Recently, one couple, demonstrated one of the most perfect pictures of God’s love I have ever seen in my existence as a human being.  They gave us a large sum of money toward our adoption, and as I look at their life right now, I can see that they had to make enormous sacrifices to do so.  I am talking about small things, everyday, that for them, I have seen, were hard and a lot to give.  I was overwhelmed and simply wept for joy over their gift.  What a picture of the body of Christ.  They had already given up so much before this.  Praise God for His generosity and for His love.  And, believe me, it is so not about money.  Renee’ and I are not remotely worried about paying for the adoption if it is what God wants for us.  It was completely the love I felt from my brother and sister in that moment.  I will cherish that for the rest of my life.

These moments cause us all to ask some really hard questions about what we believe about the goodness of God.  We are forced to face and reconcile parts of our relationship and understanding of Him that have before this been easier to trust and have faith in.  Fortunately for Renee’ and I, we have studied in seminary and have some great answers to tough theological questions about the goodness of God.  One of my favorite pictures in our world of God is how evil, and pain, and tragedy, while they are so present, and so clear, and so visible, are also pretty blatantly weak in their Affect against humanity, the earth, and the plans of God.  Let’s take the concepts of heroism, valor, courage, and sacrifice.  These are all human attributes that are only in existence as a result of pain and destruction, and lets be honest, if we look close, they often have the last word.  Certainly in God’s Kingdom they do.  I am so thankful for the courageous, and the rescuers in my life, God has shown His face so much in and through you, often in words, in deeds, and in your willingness to just sit with us for a minute.  And the more I participate in what God is doing, the more my eyes are opened, the more I have only eyes to see that which is eternal and part of God’s plan, the more I see small victories, as well as large victories, in my own life, in the lives of people around me, that simply make tragedy and despair, and pain, suddenly very small.  Oh dear God, the author, and the master architect, as much as this thing sucks, in every way it can, You are rocking my world, and I frieking love You.

If I haven’t said it enough, I love my Lord, my savior, Jesus Christ, with all my heart and my mind and my soul.  Nothing, nothing can be done to me, or taken from me, that will change my deep love and commitment to the One who gave it all.   To Him be all of the glory and the honor and the praise that this small life has to offer.  Why are you downcast my soul?  For I will sing again!

Thank you for your love.  To pray for: Timing timing timing with the adoption.  We are trusting that the Lord will bring our next child in the right season, in the right time.  It has probably sounded like we are in a hurry, and some of you have probably been thinking “oh man I hope they are ready for all of this”, trust me we are checking in on those same things with the Lord and with others.  We are in no rush.  We simply know that our next step is to adopt, it could be months, it could be a year, that is cool with us.  We do not want him a day earlier or a day later than the Lord wants.  And our next is going to bring plenty for us to work through regardless if it is now or 5 years from now.  We will engage fully in that, and deal with it every step of the way.  So please pray that God will just perfectly orchestrate that timing (as if He wouldn’t, but you know, let’s be praying =])

Praise God that Renee’s milk is fully in, and she is pumping away, got a whole freezer full (selling it by the gallon, totally kidding, unless you want to buy from me cash only under the table, then I’m dead serious, just kidding, but seriously, I got the supply).

Don’t want to talk much about some other cool things going on in our world, but God is working in some ways that I hope will continue to help us use our story and our journey to glorify Him.  So pray for that, that God will continue to use Renee’ and I’s life as a testimony.

Pray that God will bless the crud out of those couples who are walking with us, they have been faithful to Him.

Love you all deeply

C and R

one day after the next…that’s about all there is to speak of. We moved last week to our new home in Chandler, and began our new journey with Mission community church. We were warmly embraced, and have been so deeply encouraged every second we have been there. What an amazing hedge of protection God has placed around us as we walk humbly forward. It is no coincidence that God would take us to a new place during a season like this, and we simply trust Him, and try to figure out what the concept of rest means that the writer of Hebrews so eloquently conveys.

I have been in the Psalms every day. Just trying to get fed by the Scriptures and keep the words of God as close as possible. I am thankful for my bible iphone app =]. I want to share another song on here soon that is making its way out of these times, it is directly from Psalm 42. The words are

My soul thirsts, for you God
My tears are my food.
They may say ‘where is your God’
But He will remember you

Why are you downcast my soul
I will sing again, again

The deep calls waves over me
My heart won’t let go
Your rod and staff, comfort me
and my cup overflows

Why are you downcast my soul
I will sing again, again

Stand with me, broken heart, in the waterfall
Let me be, all your heart, needs to heal it all, again

Renee’ continues to walk along, sometimes crawling, sometimes me carrying, and lots of God lifting, His hands helping. More than she knows do I say “Lord, please deliver my sweet wife, and lift these burdens from the deep places of her soul, that she might find rest…” God continues to use her to lead me. I keep my eyes on her as much as I possibly can, to learn and to understand what it feels like to be her, to feel on such deep levels, and in such intimate ways. As men, we simply do not have the same capacity to feel as you females. This is a profound and beautiful mystery that I will never tire to study. I love that she reminds me to feel and stay connected to all of this, to process it fully with the Lord.

The best thing I have read other than the Scriptures in this season is John Piper’s commentary on Psalm 42, which I suggest you read if you have not. You can find it here.  It talks about thinking and feeling with God. We rarely find ourselves doing both.  It talks about how when we wake in the morning with sorrow in our hearts and voices in our minds reminding us of the turmoil of our circumstances, that often we are listening to ourselves, and need to stop listening to ourselves, and begin talking to ourselves, reminding ourselves of the truth of God.  I think this is what Paul was talking about in Romans 12 when he says “be transformed by the renewing of your minds”.  I learned something profound and life-changing in this commentary as well, and that is that it is a “maskil” Psalm.  The word maskil comes from a Hebrew verb that means “to make someone wise or instruct”.  I realized that this truly is the burden I have for writing music in general.  I don’t have any desire to write songs that lack instruction and don’t involve change in the part of the listener.  I suddenly feel empowered by that.  I also feel affirmed that God would have me continue to both fully feel the emotion of all of this, and also remind myself of the truth.

 I asked Renee’ what she wanted to say to the blog readers, which, just so you know, Renee’ is always right here with me when I am writing these, so when you hear from me you are pretty much hearing from her =].  She just likes me to be the writer.  But anyways when I asked her what she wanted to say to all of you, she just smiled, gave a short giggle and said “that I want to go to heaven as soon as possible” =]  Only Renee’ has the ability to be so honest and so raw, so deep, and yet so tender, and so playful.  In all seriousness, she is hanging in there.  Someone asked the other day if this or that makes it harder or easier.  The truth is nothing makes it harder or easier, and everything makes it harder and easier.  I hope that makes sense to you Kingdom folks.  God certainly is capable of making this thing work out for our good, and what is really cool is that sometimes He peaks around the corner and says a sentence or two of the next chapter, just enough to remind us that He is still writing, and will get back to us soon, and enough to keep us interested, and believing that it’s worth the read and the wait.  Sometimes we hang on by a thread, and other times we are the ones convincing you all to keep reading.

We will likely have a fundraiser to help bring our new son home on Friday June 26th at Highlands church.  We are still getting that confirmed.  Everyone is invited.  I will blog as soon as we have it nailed down.  We will share, probably sing a bit, and let you know what the need is, and see what God does.  It will be a monument and cornerstone of God’s redemptive plan to move us forward, and to begin this family of ours.

Our adoption profile is ready, and as soon as the courts process us in the next few weeks, we are going to be out there, and can get matched.  Pray for that please.  We are trusting God with the timing of all of this.  We want to be in the best place emotionally and Spiritually to be able to offer our new son all that he needs.  We know that God will protect this timing, and we trust Him fully in that.  We are not trying to hurry this thing, I promise.

To our new community at Mission Community Church, we are deeply excited about our new relationship with you.  Thank you for loving us.  If you are here, you know us and can see our core.  God has certainly brought us to you stripped of everything, and we are excited to see Him receive all of the glory.

“He has told you, O man, what is good;
   and what does the LORD require of you
but to do justice, and to love mercy,
   and to walk humbly with your God?” [Micah6:8]

We are in!

C.J. and Renee’

Hello friends. Sorry for the stretch of silence. It has been a busy season.

If you have not yet heard, God has called Renee’ and I to leave Highlands Church and go to a church called “Mission Community Church” in Gilbert, AZ (www.mission68.org). This decision has been accompanied by much prayer and seeking counsel. It is an amazing opportunity for me to take the next step as the full time head worship pastor of the church. I am excited and humbled that God would allow me this privilege. This is one of many ways that God has reached into this situation to bless Renee’ and I in the midst of all that we have been going through. We walk forward in humble obedience, as we have sought to do this entire journey.

This Thursday night will be our final night with our beloved Element community. I will begin leading at Mission on the weekend of June 6th and 7th. There are 2 Saturday night services, and 3 Sunday morning services at the church. Please feel free to come and visit us any time. We will be moving to Chandler on June 4th.

As of right now, our adoption paperwork is being processed by the courts. This should take no more than six weeks, depending on how quickly things are moving. Once this is done, we will be cleared for adoption, and can get matched with a mom. We have a profile and photos. To see all of our photos, graciously taken by David Blakeman, click here. A dear friend said it was good to see these pictures of us and see that our hearts are good, and our spirits revived.

For information on our adoption agency, click here
If you look on that site, you will see several births that are coming up. The ones that say AA boy are the ones we could potentially be matched with. You can see also how much it will cost to adopt those children. We are completely trusting the Lord that He is going to provide financially for us. As you can see, the African American boys are much cheaper in cost than any of the other kids, because of the huge need for them to be adopted. We want you to know, those of you who gave us money when we lost Titus, that every dime that was given has been saved, and is being used for this adoption. We had the option of doing some trips, or whatever else with that money, and we know that you all gave freely, not caring how we spent the money, but we felt led by the Lord to take all of it and put it toward this process. I cannot express how unbelievable and beautiful that is. We have paid cash for the $2500.00 adoption agency fee, and for the $1250.00 home study fee. We have some money left that will go toward the adoption. If you go to that site, you will see that an African American male will cost no less than $16,000.00. That does not include travel, food, and lodging for when we go to pick him up. Needless to say, there are significant costs involved in all of this.

Sean and Cate Johnson are going to plan a fund raiser for us, and I will try to set something up either through Highlands church, or our new church, to make it possible for you to give and receive tax deduction credit. If you do not care about that, you can always give in whatever way you desire. We have felt so led by God in moving forward in this way, that honestly, we have thought very very little about the money. We know that God is big, and will work in whatever way He chooses. Thank you for those of you that felt led to give to us. We are richly blessed. More than anything, please continue to pray for us as we take this step.

God has charted a path of healing for us that is beyond anything either of us have ever seen or experienced. He truly is the master architect. It has been full of difficult moments, reliving pain, and having to trust Him and be obedient even when it is scary. Adopting a new baby is scary when we have experienced such a loss, but we continue to hold Hope and Pain up, side by side, this is a life in the Kingdom. It is what it means to be fully human, to live as we were intended to live. The hope and joy of the cross, of redemption, of freedom from the strongholds of sin and despair, but the ever looming darkness of loss and death, and the suffering that sin brings at every turn.

Today we went to see Cosette Mortenson in the hospital. After an extremely long and painful birthing process, Sharon gave birth to her last night just before 10 pm. Joy and pain. Our best friends, we celebrate and rejoice with them, and they continue to grieve and mourn with us. My friends, it is a beautiful and messy portrait. In the deep parts of my soul I can freely say I would not trade my life for any other, but I certainly long for Jesus and a time when this will all pass away. Why is it that we believe that we are either happy, or sad, joyful or sorrowful, elated or devastated? That we can only have one or the other. I believe God wants us to understand how to let those 2 things live in balance with each other. That is our path as of now. If I figure it out I will let you know. I held her today and just praised God in my heart for her, thanking Him for His goodness and His faithfulness!

Renee’ continues to steadily increase her milk supply. She is more than halfway to having a whole days worth of milk supply for our new baby each day. What a huge blessing! When Renee’ pumps, she gets to be a mom, and have something to focus on, and when she pumps, a hormone releases called oxytocin that relaxes her body. Is that unbelievable? Have you met Jesus? He is this guy who is also God. He redeems stuff. Sometimes Satan comes to Him and questions if He has anyone that loves Him, that will serve Him even in the midst of loss and tragedy. God responds by saying, ‘them, they love me, and I will let you take from them, but I am going to flip it upside down and make it more beautiful than anyone could ever imagine. You’ll wish you hadn’t messed with my kids.’ Slow, hard, messy, but always moving toward redemption. Before this is all over, sooner than later, we will be praising God that this happened. We’re getting started. Do you know Him?

I’m trying to be brief here, it’s not my gift. Please keep praying for our hearts. Each day brings its own set of losses, and they seem to be endless. God continues to go before us and pave a path toward healing and redemption that only He is capable of. When you are with us, please protect your words and protect our hearts, we know you mean well. All we need is a hug and an “I love you”. We love you all deeply.

All for His glory and His Kingdom,

C and R

All of the reasons why Renee’ was, is, and continues to be, an amazing mom.

Though by creation pretty free-spirited in nature, which lends itself toward being unorganized and even sometimes irresponsible =], Renee’ has been so attentive to every detail from the beginning of Titus’ existence, and continues to pay attention to every detail necessary for our next child. I have never seen her be so anal about every last little thing. We are talking about a person who never puts things away in the same place twice, leaves the house regularly without her cell phone, and never, ever uses a grocery list =]. But being mom, that is a different story. Call is such a special thing. When we are called by God to do something, it is amazing how His strength begins to take over our lives. Renee’ is called to be a mom, and is a mom.

Months before carrying Titus Renee’ began to purposefully put on weight. She had read and found out the ideal weight she should be in order to give our child the best possible environment to grow in. In this culture we live in, my wife chose to put body image aside for the sake of our boy. It was important to her to make sure she had enough calorie intake each day for him. I’m happy to say, this is one of the most beautiful and sexy things I could ever experience my wife doing. While pregnant, she made every sacrifice a person could make in order to protect him in there. She didn’t take medicines that were not good for her, did not eat or drink things that were potentially harmful. When the doctor would tell her something to do or not do, she followed it without fail to the fullest degree. She put herself last, and Titus first. That is what amazing moms do.

Renee’ had done tremendous amounts of research and had planned to breast-feed, learning that this is what was God’s best design for giving Titus everything he needed. She found out everything about cloth diapers, to save money, to help the environment, to help potty train early and quickly. She found out about all of the different brands and why these would be the best ones. She found out about detergents that are tough on babies’ skin and got special detergents to wash his clothes and his diapers in. She read books all about sleeping schedules and how to help him to sleep the best he could, for him, as soon as possible. Nothing Renee’ did or planned, brought convenience to herself, it was all about his needs, what was best for him. Not what would coddle and make him most comfortable, but certainly not what would make her more comfortable. Only what would be best for him in the long run, and what would honor the Lord. That is what amazing moms do.

Renee’ continues to mother every day. Right now she is pumping breast milk 5-6 times per day for 15 minutes. She doesn’t miss. She takes that thing everywhere we go, and always stays on schedule. The other day we were out eating lunch at a place and there was no power plug in the bathroom for her to pump. So she walked next-door to an Alltel store, where there was all guys working, and says, “can I pump breast milk in your bathroom?” The guy wasn’t going to turn her down. If you know Renee’, you aren’t the least bit surprised. Once we get matched with a child, Renee’ will begin waking herself up in the night every 3 hours to pump, so that when he gets here her milk supply will be up to what he needs. That is what amazing moms do.

Today she read that an overproduction of yeast is common for women who have had C-sections because of antibiotics, so she is now boiling the breast-pump components every day to make sure that she doesn’t re-infect herself, causing her milk to get yeast in it, which could give our son an upset stomach. The son Renee’ is mom to even now. The son that Renee’ would sacrifice anything for. That is what amazing moms do.

She is spending a lot of her time reading and thinking about every inch of adoption. What it is like, what the difficulties are, how to best parent a child that is adopted. She is all over the paperwork, turning everything in in the most timely fashion possible. She is learning all about attachment struggles that come with children who are adopted. She is giving her whole heart to it, not to replace her affections for Titus, but to add her affections for our new son. He will be our second born, our next child, and she will treat him accordingly, and think, pray, and receive counsel every step of the way, to do all that is necessary, to make any sacrifice, to be the best mom for him that she can be. That is what amazing moms do.

Did I mention this woman continues to blow my mind? I am more attracted to her right now than I ever have been, and I’ve always been pretty dang attracted to her.

God continues to smile on His daughter Renee’, His beloved child, who is faithful to Him. ‘Well done my love, you glorify me with your steps’, He says.

If you see Renee’, or text Renee’ today , you don’t need to say Happy Mother’s Day, just say “Well done good and faithful Mom”.

Love to you all,

C.J.

Haven’t felt like writing. Laying in bed as Renee’ falls asleep and just start thinking about my boy. I miss him. I want to touch him, and talk to him. I want to teach him how to have courage, how to lead, how to love every heart in the room, how to listen, how to dream, how to make people laugh, how to play the piano, how to make his mom smile, how to play soccer, how to make fun of the dog. I want to teach him to pee in the toilet and sword fight his dad doing it. It’s late, and the tears are here.

This week has been hard. Lots of reliving it, which is always difficult. I know you all are still praying, and I know you love us. I know you think of us often, and I know your hearts are with us. I wish we even knew how to better communicate our needs. We don’t know what we need. We do know that we are still wanting to just be close to the few in our lives. Our closest friends continue to provide a hedge around us. We are working on not rushing back in to normal relationships with everyone. I know this must be hard on most of you. You don’t know what to say or how to act. You want to look to see how we are doing, but you don’t want to stare. You don’t want to come up to us in case we don’t want to talk to you, but if we did want to talk to you, you want us to know you want to talk to us, and you don’t want us to think you are avoiding us. We want to want to talk to you and have life be normal, but it just isn’t, not yet. None of us win =]. It sucks for all of us. I talked to my mom yesterday and she said one of the hardest things about losing Titus is that sometimes she feels like she has lost part of us too. That is how many of you must feel. I think that is natural. There is a part of us that will never be the same. There will forever be a special, but painful, scar in our lives, that will never go away, that shapes us forever. This is the mark the world leaves on us as long as we are here, we all have them, yours are there just the same as ours.

Just keep praying, that is the absolute best thing you can do for us. Forgive us if we say ‘I don’t want to talk about that right now’. We do not need to relive details any more than we already are, with those who are closest right now.

I have been wanting to share some good news with you. There is hope in the midst of our suffering. It has been quite the journey these past few weeks. We had decided that the next step in our journey towards building a family should come by way of adoption. Renee’s body has taken such a beating, and it is inconclusive as to whether she should try to carry again, and even if she does, it will be quite some time from now.

We have begun the process of adoption with a company called Hope for adoption (http://christianadoption.blogspot.com/). We are going to adopt an African American boy. This could happen pretty quickly. We are trying to exist between grieving and mourning the loss of Titus, and not using adoption as a way to make this situation easier, and following the leading of the Spirit toward having a family and being parents. We have been seeking much counsel, and have gotten the green light from everyone. We are praying through this, and trusting the Lord to meet our needs emotionally, spiritually, physically, and financially. There is a huge need for parents to adopt african american boys. We have felt for a long time that we would someday adopt from africa. We did not realize what a need there was right here in the states. We also did not know that this would be the path that would lead us here, and that this would be the timing. It is hard to be this brief about it, as there have been many thoughts and words and prayers that have brought us here, but I don’t want to write for hours.

God doesn’t answer prayers. At least not all of them. He answers the ones that are in our best interest, and we don’t know our best interests, He does. Our greatest prayer, one that many of you have most likely prayed, particularly those of you who are mommies, has been that Renee’s milk would dry up. Nine months of planning, studying, anticipating how she would provide for Titus with her milk, for Renee’ to not be able to fulfill her role as mom in giving Titus all of the nutrients he needs, has literally been Renee’s own personal hell on earth. We have prayed constantly for it to go away. It almost did. We were probably a week or so from seeing her milk dry up. God began impressing upon us that He might want us to start thinking about adoption. At first, for obvious reasons, all of the thoughts came in about it being too soon, or what if this or what if that. We started doing research and landed on this agency and immediately God just started moving all of the parts forward. Renee began thinking about what the possibilities would be of breast-feeding a newborn adoption. She researched and read about re-activating her milk in 6 months or a year. She learned that unless you have breast-fed or pumped before, it is very difficult to re-activate your milk. So, my frieking wife, my amazing, proverbs 31, balls to the wall (figurative), kick-ass (yes pastors cuss sometimes), leathery, wirey, crunchy wife says to me “I’m going to pump my milk to keep it in”. I’m like, “What?” Yeah, she’s pumping it, and freezing it. Unbelievable.

I’m not the wisest of men. I especially wasn’t when I was 22 when I chose to marry this woman, meaning, it is not as if I had the where-with-all, or the exceptional qualities necessary for choosing such a phenomenal human being to spend the rest of my life with. It is not by my own doing that I was placed with someone of such Godly character, someone who would possess the passion, and the drive to make every sacrifice necessary for our children, including the ones not currently inside of her stomach, the ones we don’t know yet, who are hypothetical until we are matched with them. She is mothering the son whom we don’t even have yet! Are you kidding me? Thank you God! I am in awe of You. Thank you for NOT answering the prayer to take the milk away! You are all-knowing, and all-powerful. You know our every step, and have appointed them all! Thank you for this woman. She blows me away.

Today, for me to lead in this marriage, is to lead by following Renee’. She hears Him in ways I will never. Marriage is so sweet. Oneness. One flesh. The intimacy of it. I would never have known how much I loved her. How does pain and loss do this to us? How does it make us love our lives more? How does joy always exist in the midst of suffering? If you haven’t heard me say it yet, Jesus.

Goodnight friends

C.J.

I do not ask that you take them out of the world, but that you keep them from the evil one. They are not of the world, just as I am not of the world. Sanctify them in the truth; Your word is truth. As you sent me into the world, so I have sent them into the world. And for their sake I consecrate myself, that they also may be sanctified in truth. (John 17:15-19)

The truth of God’s word, the Bible, is our only hope. Anecdotes, nostalgia, or cliche imagery is empty. Visions of Titus with angels’ wings, Jesus rocking him to sleep, the idea of Titus looking down on us from heaven, and countless other ways we try to comfort ourselves, are simply without meaning. It is all about Jesus. About who He is, and what He is doing to bring Himself glory. We humbly bow down to Him as our King, and ask that He would use these events to sanctify our hearts, to change us into people that are more loving, more compassionate, more gracious, more merciful, more zealous for His cause. Truth alone holds the answers. His truth.

Today we reflect on and attach ourselves to the reality of the cross. Jesus walked the long and slow path to death, knowing each step of the way, that His choice to die was for the sake of our eternal souls. He knew the depths of each of our sins. Our world allows us to hide who we really are, but we can be sure that Jesus knows just how selfish and sinful we are at the core of our being. It is the scariest thing to know that someone out there knows the fullness of my depravity. I have shared many dark and disgusting thoughts and motives I have had with Renee’, and she has done the same. But there is one who knows me in my sin on a level that no person ever could, and that is Jesus, and in the end He chose to suffer for me so I wouldn’t have to. It is profound, and beautiful, yet rejected by so many.

we count it a unique privilege to remember the death of Jesus today. His death is far greater in importance than the death of Titus. His death and resurrection make it possible for Titus to have life after death. We cling to this, we throw ourselves against it in our time of despair, and it gives us hope. We long for the truth of the cross, the truth of the gospel. Titus’ life and his death are serving as a metaphor, though not a perfect one, for what Jesus has done. I would not have the courage, or the unconditional love to give my son up so that others could have eternal life. But God did, and He chose for us that we would give Titus up, in the only hope that lives would be saved. If only one person comes to know Jesus as a result of losing our boy, it will have been worth it. I can only say such things and mean them if the Holy Spirit is real and is inside of me, and I assure you, He is.

This week will never be the same for us, and we will never take communion the same. So many things will of course never be the same, but in particular we will feel the death of Jesus more from this point on than we ever could have. That is a small piece of grace, one of those concepts that only members of His kingdom can understand. It is part of the saving of our souls. Tonight we were led in worship by one of our dearest friends, Matt Gibson. His posturing before God matched perfectly with where we are right now. We are blessed by our relationships, by the body of Christ working all around us, both inside, and outside the walls of our own church. The church truly has nothing to do with any building, but the weaving of stories under the umbrella of THE story.

Thank you Jesus for your life, death, and resurrection. You sacrificed more than I could ever experience, even in losing a son. You are the sympathetic high priest. EVERYTHING I once held dear, I count it all as loss, lead me to the cross…

I can hear Peace around the corner
playing our favorite song
He’s a Giant living reminder
this is not our home for very long

You can take my heart and all I dreamed of
You can have the future that I saw
’cause I would trade my Peace for another
this is what I wanted after all

after all is said and done
I’d trade His life for yours
I would take just one
and after these days fade away I’ll see Your face
I will run home

He’s our favorite thing to cry over
what He did will change us all
and it’s the pain we just can’t stop
that’s moving us along

after all is said and done
I’d trade His life for yours
I would take just one
and after these days fade away I’ll see Your face
I will run home

I can hear Peace around the corner
playing our favorite song

Graciously, I am able to refer to these days as being filled with joy, light, and hope.  They are not, however, without darkness.  It creeps in at very odd moments, small reminders of loss, of what could have been, and what feels like should have been.  Yesterday we were in a fabric store looking for fabric for our new couch cushions.  For some reason, being in there just made me think of Titus so much.  I couldn’t place my mind anywhere else.  Something about watching Renee’ do “mom” things, things I know she did so many times in the last 9 months in preparation for our guy.  She made his bedding, picked out curtains, etc…It is interesting to watch this all unfold.  Renee and I naturally express emotion differently just as a result of our wiring.  We talk a lot about how women are more emotional beings than men are, but I just think we each place our emotions differently.  For Renee’ and I, different things trigger us.

What I love about Renee’ is that she has the amazing ability to feel everything, all of the time, and to express her emotion freely.  She can start crying at any second.  It is as if she understands fully her permission to do so. Even if she does not feel she has permission, Renee’ cannot be bound by any sense of rules, or structured way of being, she lives a free life, and I frieking love it.  Renee’ is a crier.  That is the bottom line.  Some people get angry, some people get an attitude, some people need to go do something, some people yell, some people stay quiet, some people need to be alone.  Renee’ weeps.  It is the most beautiful and most difficult part of who she is for me.  I love it.  I do.  I want her to cry, and her tears draw me to her in such a powerful way.  It is as if she is inviting me in to the depths of her soul by simply opening up the ducts in her eyes to let what is welling in her heart to pour out, and if I am quick, let land on my face as I pull her to me.  Her tears let me be a hero, the hero I have always wanted to be.  I can come quickly to her and hold her, and let her be a mess on me.  It makes me feel like a man.  I think between me and God, it is part of what makes me His man.  For this I love them, and invite them, and have gratitude towards them.

The other side is…Renee’s tears often mean pain, for her.  Especially right now.  And Renee’s pain is the worst experience in my life.  There is nothing worse than knowing my wife is in pain, and that there is nothing I can do about it.  This causes a sense of fear, a feeling of being out of control.  If this is not a metaphor for several of the dichotomy’s of our faith, I don’t know what is.  I don’t need to fear Renee’s tears.  I don’t need to be Renee’s ultimate rescuer, the one who ultimately heals, and protects, and makes everything okay.  I know this, she knows this, and yet, I fear them, and if I am honest, my flesh wants to avoid them, and sometimes keep them from coming.  There it is again, this paradox of our existence.  In the moments I am holding Renee’ as she cries, I am experiencing complete intimacy with my wife, I am playing my role as her husband, her rock, and her protector, which gives me great joy, and yet, later, I want to avoid having that happen because of fear.  Such is our relationship with God.  We have so many memories of His faithfulness, and truly believe in our hearts that He will take care of us, and that in doing so will teach us how to walk in pain, just as Jesus did, and yet, we avoid pain at all costs.  We flee that which is out of our control, and it is the very thing that makes us feel out of control that God wants us to enter in to so that He can prove to us that we are right, we are out of control, but He is in control.  Simple, but impossible.

I can, with gratitude to God, say that I protect myself from Renee’s tears less and less.  I still have a long way to go.  I have an even longer way to go in learning how to express my own.  I am trying to allow God to help me re-learn what it means to be a man.  I certainly can’t take my cues from this culture.  In our world, men are supposed to always be in control, always have answers, always suck it up, don’t have feelings, and can’t be shaken.  If they do express emotion, it is through anger, competitiveness, being argumentative, being cocky, proud, and arrogant.  I hate this.  And I am often prone to responding to my emotion in these ways.  If God has to rip everything from my hands in this life to make me a man exactly like Jesus, I am going to have to go ahead and have to say a big YES to that.  I find it so tiring trying to fit the mold I see all around me of manliness.  I certainly don’t come close as it is, being a sensitive, artistic dude.  There is a reason I named Titus Solomon what I did, I wanted him to be a killer (not really…but seriously).  I don’t drink beer, I don’t celebrate my own farting, I don’t love sports, I don’t watch ultimate fighting.  Jesus is my only chance =].  I’m not implying there are not men who are like Jesus and who do all of those things, I know and love many who do, I just don’t.  If being a man in our culture meant loving new clothes, cool hair, art and culture, and a romantic evening, I would be super manly.  But my version of manliness is just as imperfect as anyone’s, so I’m going to have to go with Jesus like the rest of us.

Throughout my day, I start to feel it.  It is way down in there, and mostly it just feels like something slightly wrong, light nausea, or an upset stomach.  I just feel uneasy.  It is natural for me to push it down, but more than that I think I just don’t have as great a capacity as I would like to even push it up if I wanted to.  In an instant, however, it finds it’s way out, but I don’t know how it does.  After last night, I am convinced that music, film, and photography are going to play a large role in helping me.  I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.

I don’t know if you have seen a movie called “Australia”, with Nicole Kidman and Hugh Jackman.  Last night, we did.  It was a good film, historical, but whimsical (saying what what whay).  There was a little boy in the film named Nullah, who is half white, half aborigine.  He was a dreamer, the epitome of what we love about children.  They live with so many less constraints in life than we do.  He was a spiritual boy, his grandfather a man of magic.  In the film he would sing people to himself.  The aborigines believe that songs can draw them to each-other and to nature.  Every time he had to leave his new mom and dad, who essentially adopted him, he would say, don’t worry “I will sing you to me”.  The whole story is about this child, who is basically an orphan, finding a new life, with new parents.  As you can imagine, it brought up some emotion for both Renee’ and I.  It has been mostly Will Farrell movies and an amazing old TV show called “Wings” around here, which don’t really bring up the same kinds of emotions.  It was good to be triggered in that way.  For me especially.  I could feel myself getting a little choked up, especially just from sensing from Renee’ that it was really affecting her.  We went to go get in bed, and I just laid down with my face in the covers, and it just started coming.  I can only count a few times in my marriage to Renee’ where I have wept this hard.  Obviously in the first 2 days of losing Titus I did, but before that, I think only one other time in our marriage when a kid who I had discipled took his own life. 

It felt so good.  I really wish I could let it out more often.  I’m definitely a sensitive guy on the scale of guys, but I still have a hard time naturally expressing emotion.  But when I do it feels so good.  One of the ways I do express emotion is in my music and my writing.  It has been good to sit down at the piano and try to let some of this make its way into melodies and chord progressions and lyrics.  I will try to share some of this with you if I can.  I love that line in the movie, “I will sing you to me”.  I will probably steal it, after all, all good music is stolen or borrowed.  I keep hearing God say that to me.  “C.J., I will sing you to Me”.  Mmmmm, that feels nice.

I think we all live in fear of our emotion.  I think even more so we live in fear of each other’s emotion.  In the church and everywhere else.  We have been conditioned to believe that raw emotion is always out of control, and always means something bad is going to happen.  If we are with someone, and they start to lose it, we immediately try to offer some quick response that will put their mind and heart at ease, “don’t worry, it’s all for the best”, “time will heal this”, “you have to focus on the good”, “God must have something even better for you in store”, “God never closes one door without opening another one”.  Friends, can we just sit with each other more, just sit and feel with each other?  Scripture teaches us to weep with those who  weep, and rejoice with those who rejoice.  There is a kingdom living principle tucked in there.  It is the ability to match each other’s emotions.  If someone you are with is crying, you cry.  If they are laughing, you laugh.  It seems obvious, but start watching how you respond to people and you will find just how little you are a matcher.  I am super bad at it.  I have all kinds of answers and self protecting patterns in my responses, that unfortunately, are my own ways of coping with pain, and they might not be the most healthy.  Okay, preacher hat off.

Thank you all for the prayers, and the meals, and the money, and the love.  We are showered in God’s love through all of you.  Please continue praying, there are some big steps ahead of us.  We aren’t sure how God wants to bring us our little Bergmens, and we have to make some decisions.  Please pray.

Most people have asked us how they can be specifically praying for us right now.  We cannot thank you all enough who are going before the Lord on our behalf, it is felt, and it is helping to sustain us, point us toward Him, and remind us of the truth of His word.  I am going to just list them all out for you.

The mornings are the worst, pray for us in the mornings.  We dream about Titus constantly, and when we wake up, we hope this is a dream, and every morning are reminded it’s not, and it hurts not to hear his cry, to go and get him and hold him.

Renee’s milk is in, and releases any time she thinks baby or even hears another baby cry.  Pray that her milk would dry up soon.  To not be able to use her milk to feed him is a very painful part of this process for her.

Pray that we would have things to do that feel meaningful and life-giving.  We are bored, but don’t feel like doing anything.  Movies and music and eating out, and all of the things we do, do not sound appealing right now.  

Pray for our entrance back in to our community.  We have somewhat of a platform, and as soon as we enter back in to that, we fear we will be a little bombarded.  Pray that people will have a lot of wisdom when they see us in how they should respond.  This is not our way of saying no one talk to us, we want to talk to people, that is all part of it.  The reality is, certain conversations are going to be draining and difficult.  Pray that people will be gracious.

Rejoice and praise God on our behalf for the love that we have received from so many.  We have been given a tremendous amount, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and even financially.  We must not forget, when praying and asking from God, to praise Him for all He IS doing.  For those of you that have blessed us in this way, you know who you are, unbelievable.  We will never forget this love you have shown us.

Pray for direction for Renee’.  She is not sure how much energy she will want  to put in to her business and when.  Most of what she has been shooting lately is all baby/maternity photos.  As you can imagine, going to the hospital to do a photo shoot of a newborn isn’t going to be the most fun thing right now.  By God’s grace, we are no longer relying on Renee’s income (God.) so she doesn’t need to bring that money in.  I just want Renee’ to have something to focus her energy on that, again, will be life-giving.  Pray that God will place something in her path that makes her come alive.

Pray for our doctor’s visit Wednesday.  We are meeting with our OB to talk more about the details of what happened, and also to see how Renee’ is healing.  We are going to be moving forward to find out what the future holds for us.  We have done some research, and women have carried after having something like this happen, they end up taking the baby early, before another rupture can occur.  if God wants us to carry again, we are willing to humbly and faithfully walk forward in this.  Pray that this would be clear.  We so badly want at least one of our own children.  God may be calling us to adopt, and if so, we are okay with that.  We just need Him to guide our steps.  Can you imagine us trying to have another baby and risking losing it again?  We can.  If that isn’t evidence that your prayers are working, I don’t know what is.

Pray for our counseling session tomorrow.  We are meeting with someone we know is going to be fantastic.  We are excited to let some of this out.  I am grateful for Renee’ to have a place to just let it all out.  We aren’t scared about it, we love counseling and have had our fair share.  Just pray that we will both get some amazing tools to help us continue to engage with the Lord in this process.

Pray for our friends, Sean and Cate Johnson, Sean and Sharon Mortenson, Kevin and Brooke Yule, JT and Ashley Hardcastle.  First, if you love us, and we know you do, get on your knees and praise the living God on our behalf for these 8 people.  You have no idea how much God is using them in all of this.  They have been like family to us in every way you can imagine.  They have gone to the darkest places with us and helped pull us out when we most needed it.  Sean and Cate have 3 girls they recently adopted, pray for their family, that God would give them strength and energy they have never known, and pray that the Holy Spirit would remind them daily what frieking amazing parents they are.  Sean and Sharon are having a little girl Cosette (sss, not zzz) in May.  Pray for her strength and health, and pray for Sharon’s heart.  This has had to be scary for her, and difficult for her and Renee’ to not get to be moms together (for now).  Pray for Kevin and Brooke and their 4 kids.  They have so much going on, and have been so willing to be here for us, pray for their family and for energy.  JT and Ashley are having a baby in July, and recently moved to San Francisco.  Pray for their strength, and the health of their baby girl (Azzi).  No one wept harder with me than that man, please thank God for him.

Lastly, and honestly most importantly, pray for the gospel of Jesus Christ.  Jesus is the answer to every problem in this world.  Jesus raises people from the dead. Jesus heals hearts, and redeems situations that seem hopeless and lost.  People keep reminding me not to pastor on this blog, but to have a place to just be honest.  I’ve been trying my hardest =].  Trust me, we are hurting, and no part of this is fun, and no thoughts we have about God, or about all of the blessings, outweighs the pain.  We are 2 very emotional people, so you can bet we are feeling this.  It is with all honesty and integrity, both on my behalf and Renee’s, that we praise our God, and desire nothing more than to make Him central, and the focus of this entire thing.  He is our God.  We are not angry with Him.  We don’t see this as punishment.  We aren’t asking why.  We know why.  Death is a result of sin.  Mine and yours.  We cling to Jesus, and feel Him so deep in our bones, and in our veins.  If only one person chooses to leave their life behind and follow Jesus because of this, then it will have been worth it.  I know that sounds ridiculous, and that we must just be trying to convince ourselves that that is the right thing to say.  I hope in saying that, that you who are reading don’t all of a sudden feel a disconnect with us. “Wow, they are really in denial, I feel sorry for them”.  We aren’t in denial.  We hate every inch of this, and have used our fair share of profanity in articulating our feelings about it (yes I am a pastor, and yes I sometimes use foul language, mostly inside my own home, mostly when trying to make my wife laugh, or in this case share how I feel).  But thankfully, we aren’t angry.  Anger is a manifestation of another emotion.  We love anger because it allows us to do something with how we feel.  Anger creates verbage.  I can point it towards something or someone, and try to feel a fraction better about it.  Unfortunately, it distracts me from dealing with the raw emotion, which for us right now is simply pain and loss.  I am so grateful for this.  We are, at least at the moment (talk to me in 2 weeks and I may be cursing my own words on here) simply working through just being sad.  We aren’t trying to guard it with anger.  Sometimes I wish I was angry, because like I said, it would give me something to do, but I’m not angry, at least about this.  I am angry about plenty of other things, but I don’t have a blog for that.  

Pray peoples’ lives would be saved for eternity as a result of this loss, not so we can feel better about Titus’ death, but because this whole world is about Jesus and His death and resurrection.

waiting on Him,

C and R

as I sit to write it is not as if I really have anything in particular to say.  This experience and this tragedy continues to be nothing short of overwhelming, confusing, full of changes, at any moment.  The newness wears off each day, the freshness.  The initial shock, all of the emotion and attention, and focus, dying down.  Renee and I have done nothing but spend these past few days together, trying to express and process, grieving, crying intermittently, sometimes in a way that seems it will not stop.  Our lives were moving 100 miles an hour, full steam ahead, with such purpose and such focus.  We were on a certain path, with certain hopes and plans, and ideas about what tomorrow and next month would hold.  It is as if time has just stopped.  We feel like a scene from a film where someone wakes up and goes outside, but no one is there.  The whole world is at our fingertips, but there is no purpose behind doing anything, because there is no one to do it with.  We cannot find the place to put our thoughts, and our desires, and our energy.  Yesterday we went couch shopping all day, and tried to drag it out as long as we could.  Just something to keep us moving and thinking and walking forward, and to not be cooped up in our house.

I am so grateful that Renee’ and I are both external processors.  We are both able to talk freely and extendedly about what we are thinking and feeling.  Renee’ and I both still can’t quite believe this is happening.  Renee’ has spent almost a year placing all of her focus, time and energy on what it means to be a mom.  She put her business on hold, and really had few plans other than taking care of him for these first 6 months to a year.  Now what?  What does she do with herself?  I am driven, full of dreams and ideas, and have tons of things to focus on and do at any second if I want to.  But Renee’ doesn’t right now.  None of my stuff feels right or appealing to me.  I refuse to move forward in life until we are ready to do that together.

We are talking mostly about what it means to wait on the Lord.  This concept of waiting is all throughout the bible.  I think the culture we live in has really skewed our perspective on the whole waiting concept.  For us, waiting means, In n out and Starbucks seem to take the longest in the drive through, but at least the wait is worth it.  Or waiting means, when is this stupid light going to turn green, I am already 5 minutes late.  In that moment 30 seconds feels like a lifetime.  When scripture teaches that to God, a day is like a 1,000 years, if written today, it would have to say, to God, a second is like 10,000 years.  The scales seem even more out of balance in these days than ever.  Certainly for us.  Time is still.  We don’t believe the waiting concept in scripture even has anything to do with our finite understanding of waiting.  In our minds, to wait, means to be patient until we receive what we want.  It means to go without for a time, but ultimately to not have to go without.  God is not interested in making sure we don’t go without.  He promises that we will not go without Jesus, ever.  We never have to wait for Jesus.  And somehow, Jesus is our only hope, our only need, and is supposed to be our only desire.  We are waiting on Jesus to help us believe and understand this.  I want to want only Him.  Often times to wait on God, is simply, to refrain from doing, anything.  That is what we are doing, we are waiting.  Waiting.

We are trying so hard to only want and need Jesus right now.  To become obsessed with Him, and to place all of our affections on Him.  Rather than obsess over uterine transplants, adoption agencies, songs, nostalgia, anecdotes, cliche’s.  Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.  We are trying to reconcile and believe what we know is true, and have it permeate our lives and our practices.  Someone emailed us who was reading some commentary on the book of Titus in the New Testament.  It was talking about how the book is the joining together of faith and practice, and how they should always go together.  We must live out what we believe.  This is not easy right now.  We see why people crumble after this kind of loss, we aren’t naive to it.  We are Christians, we know the truth, and understand God, but this still is the most devastating and difficult moment of our lives.  We are utterly ruined, and at the bottom of our existence.  I don’t want to paint a pretty picture of what is happening here.  I want to communicate the tension of pain and suffering, with Jesus.  These 2 things coexist, and it is beautiful, but it is messy, and it sucks too.  We are not perfect, and not able to fully grasp how Jesus’ redemption and plan ultimately results for the good.  We are trying not to need answers, but to only need Jesus.  He is all we have, and all we cling to.  

We have to revisit so many things right now.  Our call, what is important to us.  Who we are, where we are supposed to be, what we are supposed to be doing.  I have asked Renee’ a lot about how she wants to be using her life for the Lord.  I so want to see her get to break free and become fully who she is in this life.  This has rocked me so much, and revealed to me some of the ways I have not put Renee’ first in my life.

We would ask you to continue to pray for us, and for our days ahead.  Some are darker than others.  I don’t know if we are supposed to keep writing and articulating on this blog.  Sometimes it seems kind of weird to talk about it.  There is part of us that wants to write everything, and another that wants to write nothing.  We appreciate the emails and responses, but more than anything the prayer.  And we don’t want prayer for comfort, or for something better to come our way, we want prayer that Jesus will continue to reveal Himself to us, and that we would love Him and understand His love for us in such a revolutionary way, that it would change our lives forever, and that He would receive all of the glory from our existence.  He is the greatest in all the universe, and we love Him.