“perfect love drives out fear” (1 John 4:18)
Fear has been one of the hardest parts of this for us. Fear of not being okay. Fear that despair would creep in and have victory. Fear that this would break us, that we wouldn’t survive this, that we couldn’t move on. Fear of the impact on our marriage. There are so many statistics about couples who lose children not making it. Fear of coming home to the house we should have shared with our son, and an endless list of others.
God has been fierce and quick in destroying everyone single one of those. If fear is my enemy, Psalm 69:24 says “Pour out your wrath on them; let your fierce anger overtake them.” God’s anger has burned against that fear, and in His mighty and sovereign strength, He has moved with such power. I am on my knees. I need my God to be vast and omnipotent, and He is. My friends, I promise you, He is. He is protecting us. Such a hedge around us. Your prayers brothers and sisters, they are real, they are felt, and they are not in vain. God’s victory over our fears, in this moment, is alive and real, and we are grateful.
Today we met with our dear friend Tony Wheeler, a wonderful counselor, who walked us through some very difficult parts of this. Regret, and if only, and why didn’t I, and haunting images, these are the natural struggles that go along with this. Tony has been to the dark places with us before. Those of you that know us well, know our journey has been a broken one for quite some time before any of this. Tony encouraged me so much to resist fear, and to trust the leading of the Lord, which is exactly what I needed. Every fear we have had in this has yet to even come close to destroying. We are hurt, but definitely okay. Despair is the furthest from our hearts right now. We are moving forward, learning about each other, turning over what very small stones are left unturned in our relationship. There is no question in our minds that we will pursue and sacrifice and give of ourselves to each other in every way necessary through all of this. Renee is blowing me away at every second, and I stand in awe of her. To God be the glory, how could I have possibly married someone more righteous, more soft to the things of God? More willing to let God just get down in the mud with her and work it all out? The mess of life, the muck and the mire.
I want to talk about Renee for a few minutes. I know so many of you long to hear her voice in all of this, and to be able to see and feel that she is okay. Today as I watched her, I thought of all of you, and my prayer for you became this. Have you had the opportunity in your lifetime, to witness and to press your life against another human being who displayed the genuine and full rawness and beauty of the message of the gospel of Jesus Christ? Some of you have and you didn’t know that is what was happening. Some of you have avoided that, or have been afraid of what that might do to you. That you might have to wrestle with the truth of who Jesus is. Many of you have, and you know what I am talking about. These kind of people, it’s not as if they are superhuman, or anything weird (I know for some of you, who don’t believe in Jesus, this is all weird, so bear with me). You see it most when you see them in a position that seems completely hopeless. When they are pushed to the darkest place of their existence, and all you see is what they are made of, deep down, at their core. This is a disgustingly hard and grotesque thing we are walking through, one that I would never wish on any person. I can honestly say this is worse than death for me, and multiplied for my wife who has only wanted one thing besides Jesus in this life, and that is to be a mom. She should hate God. She should shake her fist at Him, and curse Him. Both Renee and I would have chosen to die instead of Titus. I would have chosen Titus over Renee if it came to that, and she would have done the same. So how is it that Renee is praising God, seeking Him with joy, not asking Him why, not cursing Him? It is because Jesus is REAL, and He is ALIVE, and He lives INSIDE OF RENEE! I beg you to believe this. This is your chance. You and God. Say yes. Taste what we are tasting.
God chose to let His Son die, because of the greater good that it would do in saving us, and glorifying Himself, the two things He is all about. Titus, my son, died, because of the greater good it would do in saving your life, and in glorifying my God, which are the two things Renee and I are all about. And in about 50 years or less, neither of us will care one bit about this pain we are feeling, the pain by the way that is far less than what Jesus felt (Hebrews 12:4 “In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood), because we will spend an eternity with Titus, and his 3 brothers and sisters who are up there with Him, and we will all glorify God together in a pain and sin free environment for all of time. Your’e going to have to trust me friends. If you were here with Renee right now, there is no way you would not believe Jesus is real.
Okay, sorry, I have needed to get that off my chest. What do you expect? I am a pastor. I needed to preach for a second. =]
Mostly, I just want to say, I can’t frieking believe how good we are doing, and how quickly. We aren’t naive, we aren’t over spiritualizing. This still sucks. Still huge breakdowns, lots of tears, lots of struggle, lots of pain. Just so much more joy. I am thankful for our wonderful friends. Sean and Sharon Mortenson, Sean and Cate Johnson, Kevin and Brooke Yule, JT and Ashley Hardcastle, and for my parents, and family, and community. You all have carried us. Please don’t stop =], we will need it for a while. We will be very protective and selective for quite some time about where we go, what we do, and with whom we do it, please be patient with us. Your prayers and encouraging words are felt and wonderful.
I know there will be plenty more blogs to write that are filled with solemn sorrow, but for now, rejoice with us my friends, death has no sting, and no victory. Today was a good day, and I will take it. =]
And for those of you that care, I won 2 back to back games of settlers today, and no one let me win just because I am having a crappy week, Lisa.
CJ and Renee-
I love you guys so much, I am praying for both of you and will continue to pray for you. You both have made an amazing impact on my life. I always see Jesus alive in both of you and I am SOOOOO thankful for that. You both are so authentic, so accepting and so loving- that is such a blessing. I will continue to lift both of you up in prayer. My heart breaks for you both. I love you so much. Thank you for being so real and so open. I praise God for both of you. I really do. Lastly, the love and grace you extend to me will never be forgotten. CJ and Renee: you are so so so special, thank you for allowing God to use you.
Melanie
CJ, I’m sure that was a hard-earned victory that you fought for and deserved. However, next time we play, all I’m sayin’ is…you’re gonna have to bring your A-game.
Love you guys so so much. I count it a blessing to be able to shoulder this grief with you.
CJ & Renee
My heart aches for you both. Yet, more amazingly to me, it is mind-boggling to watch from afar as you two walk through this valley. I am reminded of how the Tabernacle looked from the outside of the badger skin fence. It was not a pretty sight. Yet we know that within the deepest chambers of the tent, the presence of God dwelt in all His Glory.
It truly is humbling to see the shelter of his wings over you both right now. From my vantage point, it just doesn’t look very pretty. Yet, there is a quiet knowing within that beyond what I see or understand, God’s manifest glory is being revealed. You are truly dwelling in His presence, and that is, without doubt, the ONLY thing that can sustain you during this difficult time. We pray that God’s spirit will minister Monday evening to all who are there, and will continue to minister to you both in the days, weeks, months, and years to come.
Blessings to you from a teary-eyed father in Texas.
Tony Corso -[ Lisa' dad
]
CJ, I am so sorry to hear of this. Please know that you are in our prayers!
CJ and Renee,
I’ve lived your highs and your lows during the last 6 years through your mom. It has left me feeling as if I know you….but I really don’t. I know of you, but always through your mom’s eyes. With tears I’ve read each and every word you’ve been writing and have praised our Holy God because He LIVES…..and He truly does reign in your lives SUPREME! You really are an amazing couple…your mom hasn’t been exaggerating! ☺
I am reminded of the old song “Refiners Fire.” It’s been around for a long time but it so exemplifies the process of God working in our lives.
Purify my heart, Let me be as gold and precious silver.
Purify my heart, Let me be as gold, pure gold.
Refiner’s fire, my heart’s one desire is to be holy…Set apart for You, my Master…ready to do your will.
The process of the refiners fire is painful. Most of us cannot even fathom your pain. So many are crying with you and holding you in their prayers…..I will continue to pray for you knowing that each day will bring it’s own challenges as well as victories. Your desire has been that God uses you and we will press on with you in anticipation of what He is creating in you because we know the result in your lives will be something far bigger and more beautiful than we can even imagine.
To God be the glory!
Renee and CJ,
You have not strayed far from my mind and heart for days now. I am glad to be able to have the opportunity to let you know that I am praying for strength, courage, and healing. Losing a child is difficult on so many levels, but your revelation knowledge of His love and majestry sustains you. Your witness is strong and I know that in God nothing is ever lost or wasted. I will be with you in prayer and thought tomorrow evening, but Kelly and Michael will be there to love on you for me. You are much loved!
It is so evident that your hearts are believing your words . . . thank you for sharing so publicly what God is doing personally within your lives.
We love you and are here for whatever you need.
Love, The LaRues
Oh God of love, comfort, peace; our sustainer, our all in all- we praise YOU for coming right beside CJ and Renee. YOU are our great God who gives us hope, and we thank you for filling CJ and Renee with your hope, and your peace.
CJ and Renee, through your precious Titus, you are awakening me back to God’s Truth- that this is NOT my home!! Titus is already there, and I want to give him a big hug, and thank him one day, for helping me remember never to get to comfortable here!!! I thank you both for sharing how you can indeed have peace through the storm, even though the waves get REALLY hard to take!
So praying for God’s unfailing love to keep you covered and peaceful; standing on the Solid Rock,
Denise
CJ and Renee
You guys are such blessing to our community and for that alone I want to thank you! Today Bob Wade spoke about finding peace in the midst of a storm…and you two are the perfect example of having the right perspective through it all. Peace doesn’t protect us from adversity nor does it mean that we have to smile and laugh our way through the tough times, but the peace we find in God gives us hope. You guys are amazing and I could never express what a blessing it is to see your heart through your words. You guys are in our hearts and prayers and we love you guys so much!
Melissa
My lap is wet with tears each time i read an entry in this blog. Sadness for your great loss, but also amazement and joy in the truth that you are sharing and the glory your are allowing this to bring to our Lord. I am completely humbled and convicted by the faithfulness and testimony you both are showing through this deep trial. A good friend of mine said this after reading your blog “CJ’s words are from the Holy Spirit without a doubt, no man can write those without God’s grace & mercy.” This is the truth and testimony to the Holy Spirit being alive in you both! People that don’t even know you are reading the words you write here and are being changed. Renee, you are an example to me friend! I hate that you are going through this. But I see the depths of your love for Jesus through it and your desire to point others to the salvation only He can give. Sweet sister in Christ, i love you dearly and my conversations with God include you frequently. Thank you, thank you both for showing me the living proof of I John 4:18. Thank you for being raw and transparent. You are a blessing!
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I am a sister in Christ and did not know you and your wife personally but I will by praying for you. Remember “The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh, bleesed be the name of the Lord.”
C.J. and Renee,
I just have a story that happened this last week that I truly hope encourages you.
So last wednesday when I went into work your story was very heavy on my heart which made me a little bit quieter than usual as I just thought about everything and how amazed and inspired I am with the way you are rejoicing in the Lord even through such trials. A coworker asked me what was going on which led to me sharing your story about Titus and the faith that you are both standing so firm on. My coworker was definitely touched but it was left at that.
Well, that night her husband went to the hospital because of a rare heart condition he has. I don’t know the details or what it even is but I do know that it’s serious. Friday when I went into work she approached me wanting to talk about Jesus and His plan for us. Though her husband is doing ok, she was inspired to talk to me about Jesus and about remaining joyful through our trials because of your story! AMAZING!
I just want you to know that the kingdom is being glorified in amazing ways through all of this! C.J. you are so right, Jesus is soooo REAL and it’s becoming so clear and evident to me and so many others through the example of you and Renee!
You are both in my thoughts and prayers and I thank you, your faith has challenged me in my walk with Jesus which has been so needed!
love you and praying!
Monica
C.J. and Renee,
My heart is broken for you but at the same time so encouraged by God’s faithfulness and Sovereignty and the fact that you are clinging to that. God is giver and taker of life and for whatever reason He has chosen to let Titus know heaven and ONLY heaven! What a life Titus will have! But that does not mean there are not tears and there are not emotions. I appreciate your rawness but yet at the same time you are not letting those emotions lead you. You instead are choosing Joy and choosing to declare that God is good in the midst of your chaos! God always has a purpose behind things and so this situation will indeed be building His kingdom as long as you continue to walk forward in obedience despite how much your flesh may want to scream and hide! Unfortunately I will not be able to make it to the memorial service due to a prior commitment but know that you are loved and being thought about and that you, in this stormy time of your life, have been such an encouragement with your writings and your realness about it all! That is what being a disciple is all about! Being real and being transformed through that realness!
Kim
Dearest CJ and Renee’,
“I thank my God in all my remembrance of you, always offering prayer with joy in my every prayer for you, in view of your participation in the gospel from the first day until now. For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus” (Phil 1:3-6). CJ, how I we appreciate your honesty, your beautiful way of expressing your pain and struggles as well as your moments of peace. We rejoice with you for those moments of peace and joy.
I must tell you how much I also appreciate you sharing about Reneel’. She is a gift to so many people, including me. She truly is a vessel reflecting the Light. You so honored her with your description of what she is going through. The way you both value you each other will make you stronger than the statistics which spell doom for your marriage. You have the Light, you live in the Light, and you therefore will not entertain the dark thoughts which come with blame, fear, speculation. You “destroy speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.”
We love you and pray for you often. Vicki and Jim
CJ and Renee, we are just echoing the sound of the community around you who loves and cares for you and weeps at your sorrow and will rejoice in your victories. It’s beautiful to see the body of Christ moving in the way it has to minister to you, and Anjuli and I are holding you with the all the rest of this great family of God. Peace to you from Sam and Anjuli
The first week I went to the element I was so drawn to it. I loved the people and realness of their situations. Within that very first week i realized that one of the most intriguing and beautiful things I had ever gotten to see were the marriages within the community. I immediately starting observing the attitudes and actions of you guys, Sean and Sharon, Jason and Jill, and so on. I felt so honored to even just be able to just observe. And then you let me in. I was in awe at how you let me in. And everyone for that matter.
I sit here right now wanting to write the right words in the right ways. But I know that sometimes words are not what is needed. You are constantly in my mind, in my thoughs, and especially my prayers. Praying has never been so hard for me as it has this past week. Thank you.
I wish you knew the great impact the two of you have had on my life in the short time of knowing you both.
I love you. Titus’ story is so beautiful even already.
I didnt mean to write so much,
I cant wait to see you guys.
mikey
I found your blog through ‘bring the rain’. I am so sorry.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. I pray that the Lord wraps his loving arms around you and comforts you. May he grant you peace. strength and faith.
Em
from Australia
hey guys. i don’t know if you remember me or not but i know ya’ll through the machados. leanna just emailed me and told me what happened and i guess i just wanted to say count me as one of the silent, praying, crying friends. just from this blog, i’ve already had my view of god expanded and been drawn to worship him through the impact of precious titus bergman and his ridiculously strong parents.
<
I hesitate even writing because words cannot begin to express the heartache I feel for you. It is amazing to read all these posts and the love that surrounds you. My heart and love go out to you in this hard time. Your strength and love for one another is an example for everyone you touch. You are in my prayers.
Praying without ceasing for your family. Cling to HIM for healing and peace of mind.
With His Everlasting Love,
Kaye
Psalm 46:10
Hebrews 13:8
We love you, we continue to pray for you and share in this time.
Titus is a beautiful reminder to me how to important it is to live life according to the Lord’s will and to live life everyday to the full and to sell out for the Lord..to love well, and to love unconditionally because our lives leave imprints in the lives of those around us.
Titus has left a very special imprint in my life, and I praise the Lord for him.
You, C.J. and Renee, have and continue to leave beautiful imprints as well in my life and in the many lives at Highlands and beyond. Thank you both for the example of strong faith in the Lord that you display to us all.
With love and in the Lord,
Kadie Schaefer (formerly Fedyski)
ps-
If you need anything my email is kadie23@aol.com and my phone number is (480) 201-1621
CJ and Renee,
Thank you for sharing your hearts and being so bare in how God is teaching you and affirming His truth during this most intimate time of pain and joy. I am praying for you and those around you – for God’s will be done while He protects you. I am so ill-equipped to know what you need but God absolutely knows. So my requests to Him for you are simply His. My sympathy, love and prayers to you both, Mary
CJ and Renee,
Just wanted to let you know we have been and will continue to pray for you through this process. My heart has been heavy for you both since the time I heard the news, but have been so encouraged by your hope in Jesus. We will be with you in spirit tonight as you celebrate the short life of your precious little one.
Erika
thank you for sharing your hearts and your words…they are breathtaking. Thank you especially for sharing your thoughts about Renee. What a warrior for Christ! We love you both so much.
You are deeply loved, lifted up, and held tightly in our hearts.
Renee, you are a warrior for Jesus and I am so proud and grateful to know you.
God Bless You…
Susan & Marty Weems
My heart is aching with yours today. I am so, so sorry.
Titus is such a strong, noble name…
We know he is with the Lord, yes, and we rejoice for him. He will never suffer or have the need to cry. But our pain is great having been separated from our children and left to grieve for our loss.
In our weakness, He is strong. Oh, how He is strong!
I am praying for you both, CJ and Renee. I just want you to know that not a day will go by that I won’t think of Titus and his parents.
I am sure our boys are playing in Heaven today.
Amen! Thank you for sharing about Renee, we’ve all been very concerned about her. What an amazing example you have both been. I think it is so beautiful that through suffering such a deep loss, you are a huge encouragement to me and many, many others. I can’t say that enough. I hope you know that. Praise God! We will all continue to support you in whatever you need. I will continue to pray for God’s peace to cover and protect your hearts. Much love.
CJ and Renee,
Scott and I are in the Philippines and have heard about your sweet baby Titus and just want you to know we are praying for you constantly. We are up in the middle of the night praying for you right now knowing that the memorial service is in a few hours. Thank you for posting your hearts for all to read and know how to pray for you. Know that we are lifting you before the throne of grace from the other side of the world. Love, Scott and Karen Nelson
CJ,
Your words are a blessing…please keep writing. God is real and I can feel that in your writings. Thank you!
Tirsa
Dear CJ,
My husband and I are praying for you both every day.
Much Love,
Kim & Russ Davis
CJ and Renee,
You all have been in our prayers and on our hearts. The strength you both display in this situation is such a testiment to the Lord. Titus will be missed, remembered, and loved.
In His Love,
Cody and Heather
CJ & Renee,
I’ve never met you, but I am Matt McDermott’s mom, and an old friend of Jason, Jessica, Brian, all that Cornerstone crowd. I just wanted to let you know that as a mom and grandma, my heart has broken for you, and I am still “puddling up” (tears) as I think about what you are going through. I saw the first email you sent out just today. Then I saw the link to the blog today, and feel compelled to tell you that I’m awestruck (as I always am when I see God working in His big way) at the evidence of grace in your lives. To see the responses of friends and strangers on your blog has touched my heart like never before. I look forward to meeting you one day, if not on this side, then on the other.
With a strangers love for you both, and your families,
Beth
I heard this song this morning by Natalie Grant and thought of you guys.
Our Hope Endures
You would think only so much can go wrong
Calamity only strikes once
And you assume that this one has suffered her share
Life will be kinder from here
Sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear
But our hope endures the worst of conditions
It’s more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our hope is unchanged
How do we comprehend peace within pain
Our joy at a good man’s wake
Walk a mile with a woman whose body is torn
With illness but she marches on
Sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear
But our hope endures the worst of conditions
It’s more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our hope is unchanged
Emanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient
Emanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient
Emanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient
We never walk alone
This is our hope
Our hope endures, the worst of conditions
It’s more than our optimism
let the earth quake
let the earth quake
let the earth quake
Our hope is unchanged
Renee’ I have only gotten to meet you a couple of times but feel so connected to you because we are two sisters in Christ who have prayed for each other and our journey to becoming a mother. I have NEVER witness faith like CJ’s and yours. It has not only convicted me but has caused me to start to deal with some real fear I never wanted to face.
I have shared your story with many but specifically two important people in my life in hopes the Lord would change their heart. I have had the opportunity to share that the Jesus that lives in you is the Jesus that lives in me. Your story has convicted one of those special persons in my life who thought she was a believer and is now realizing her faith does not run that deep. God is calling her to more, a personal relationship. She is someone I have been praying for for a long time and I am so grateful for your wiliness to share the depths of your heart.
Our family near and far has covered you in prayer morning, noon and night and continue to.
God sure has everyone’s attention and you have made sure with the words you have spoken that everyone is either praising, confessing, witnessing, or gaining wisdom. The scripture that continues to come to my mind is Eccl. 7:2-4. There is so much wisdom in mourning and you have shown us that wisdom.
Much love and fervent prayers
Jeni (Erin McFarlands sister in law)
CJ & Renee,
You both have been very heavy on my heart all day today, and just want to let you know that I have prayed for God’s grace, peace and comfort to wrap tightly around you today, and in the many days to come. We love you and are with you in spirit tonight at the memorial service. Again, we are so sorry you have to endure this pain…but I can already tell you that right here in Manteca, Titus’ death has brought people to the feet of Jesus.
Many Prayers,
Jennifer
C.J. and Renee:
My husband and I do not personally know you or your wife but have stood many nights/mornings in the audience as you led worship.
Your open and raw prayer is so humbling to be a part of. Jesus has used your gift of song and leadership to touch and change our hearts.
God has incredible plans for your family … he uses ALL things for good according to his purpose.
You are in our prayers.
In Christ, Laura and Adam
Dear CJ & Renee,
Our hearts mourn for you and the loss your are experiencing. We are in awe of the strength you carry and how Jesus works in all of our lives. Our prayers are with you and Renee and Titus too! Baby Titus will be with our Father who will protect him and await for us to join.
We love you and pray for you!!!
Lauren and Brian Trollope
Dear CJ and Renee,
Our hearts are broken for you, but your steadfast faith has been a great encouragement to our family. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. God is using you. Love and prayers every day.
Vince and Vonda Denny
C.J. and Renee,
We were so honored to be at Titus’s service and witness how God is using him for his glory and to impact peoples lives for the kingdom of Christ. Your faith is amazing during a time when the pain is unbearable and yet your love for Christ shines through you! We Love you so much and are here for you no matter what you need!
Love, Kory and Kerri
Hi guys,
WOW! We were so blessed to witness God’s glorious power move through the two of you last night. His unfailing love has obviously been embracing you. Thank you so much for allowing us to see your God filled hearts. I just couldn’t stop thinking this morning about how sweet and pure Renee was last night when she spoke of her love for Titus and even more her love for our Lord! To be like her at a time such as this, to still look up…I admire so much! We love you so much!
In His Grip,
Rosie
We do not know each other but I want to thank you for your transparency through this experience. Please know that hearts and souls are being encouraged by the words God is breathing out of you. We lost a baby in January and I wish I could say I’ve had even an ounce of the steadfastness you both have. I’ve been drawn nearer to God in my own pain through your faith.
Thank you.
Even in the days after your little man went to be with the only one who can be the PERFECT Father my heart is heavy. Your testimony in this trial has renewed me and reminded that only HE can bring us through these trials and everything that happens in our lives is picked to the second by God our ETERNAL Father. It amazes me to see the faith you both hold fast in the midst of such a heartbreaking time in your lives. I can’t help, but think of you guys constantly in this time of trail. CJ I know it’s been a long time since I’ve seen you, but your faith through this has made me remeber how much our faith NEEDS to be the stronghold in our lives on a daily basis. I can’t help, but think of Titus and the arms that are holding him as well as the company he is in right now. I’m sure we can only imagine the fact that your precious little one hasn’t been out of the arms of his eternal Father, and is being held by Altha, Grandma Midge, Grandmom Odine and all the other family that loves you and Renee so much that has gone before Titus and his siblings. It’s wonderful to know that we can rest in the fact that they are safe in the arms of our Lord and Savior. Thanks for your strong faith that is going to be a HUGE witness to people around you and even far away. So many worship songs truely are being lived out in your lives right now!
In His Grip,
Andrea