As soon as we got in the car to leave the memorial last night, my dear friend Sean Johnson, who has been one of those who has not left our side this past week, said, “I will never sing those words in ‘Lead me to the cross’ the same again, ‘everything I once held dear, I count it all as loss’. Renee’ and I have held so dear the idea of being mom and dad. We are still overwhelmed by all of this, and at many times unsure how to feel, what to think. At the end of the day, just one week following the loss of our precious boy, I am left with only the desire to be close to Jesus. He really is so wonderful. His is our healer and our counselor. He felt pain, He shares with us in our sufferings. I feel understood by Him in a way now that I could never have comprehended. Renee’ and I can honestly say we are more deeply in love with Him now than ever in our lives. We were called to take the gospel forward in this generation before this, but I assure you, we are only just getting started. We will die for this gospel, this message, if it costs us everything we have.
What a tender, reverent, and beautiful time we had last night. We cannot thank you enough for your participation, for your willingness to stand at our sides, and for the overwhelming love you have given us. Just being surrounded by the body of Christ in that way was so amazing, and we will never forget those moments we spent with you and with God, not for the rest of our lives. Renee’ said it far better than anyone of us could have when she spoke about the bride of Christ. The bride did look her best to us last night. Jason, my Paul and my Peter, my rock, who knows the depth of God’s word so well. Sean, my Barnabus, my John, emotionally connected, a beloved friend, a person who feels what I feel. He spoke about the 3 of us, myself, Renee, and Titus as a family, a unit. Those words poured over us in such a healing manner. Kevin, my Peter, my Paul, my Barnabus. He encouraged us to continue working to set an example of the power of Jesus and His message. His exhortation always has such power in my life. The list goes on and on. We felt so loved, so served. It is so easy to forget that we are all meant to live in true community, being built up by those who have different gifts than we do. Thank you to Liz, Lisa, David, and the guys who played, and everyone else who served to make the night such a special night. We feel so blessed to be a part of the church body we are a part of.
I hope that those of you who got to see us up close got the chance to see by looking at us that we truly are doing well. The joy continues to far outweigh the suffering. Today was an interesting day, not sure what God was doing with it, but I want to share the events that transpired. In case you are not convinced yet, God is orchestrating our every step in this. He has been the entire time. There are so many things I can’t list them all here. Titus born on St. Patrick’s day (Stories to tell*), which is my best friend JT’s birthday (who I have known my whole life, who has been here this whole time with us). Last Tuesday when We lost Titus, the labor and delivery nurse who came to help and who is the bereavement counselor at the hospital goes to Highlands, and we had never met her before then. If we had not chosen to do a “C” section, we never would have found out what happened, and Renee’s life, frankly, would have been in danger until they figured out there was a giant hole in the top of her uterus. I can’t believe I haven’t said all of this yet. Anyway, the point is, God is not absent. He reminded us again today.
Renee’ has had a pretty bad headache these past few days, part of why we had to cut it short last night (sorry to those we did not get to see). Today the headache was unbearable, and it was a unique pain, not dulled by laying down or any of the medications Renee’ is taking. We called the doctor, and as it turns out, there is an extremely rare thing that happens when a woman is given a spinal numbing shot (the one Renee got for the surgery). About 1 in every 1,000 women leak some spinal fluid in the days following, which causes a terrible headache. Like, she can’t get out of bed bad. Renee’, being the amazing woman she is, just smiles and says, ‘if there is any rare medical problem that is possible to have, I’m sure I have it’. SO, we had to go BACK in to the hospital, and wait 2 and a half hours in the ER. They come out and say, ‘we don’t have any beds so we are going to send you up to post partum’ (that’s where we were last week). The guy wheels us up to the labor and delivery welcome desk and they say ‘take her to room 3401′. I’m thinking, ‘isn’t that the room we were in’? It was. The same room. One week later, God brings us right back to the very spot this all went down. And mind you, no one knows this, and none of the staff helping us were there last week, and none of them have a clue who we are or that we even lost our baby. It was pretty surreal. So they do this procedure on Renee’ (I think that puts her pretty high on the list of world records for most random and uncomfortable procedures had done on you), and amazingly within seconds her headache is completely gone. We got the chance to meet a college student who was there studying who is a Christian, and wants to go to Kenya on a missions trip this fall. Sometimes you just have to stop and ask yourself whether you believe in fate, horoscopes, karma, coincidence, or if you believe in a loving creator, a master designer, an almighty architect. I choose God. And more than that, I know it deep in my soul, so much, I would die for it. Walking back into that room was so interesting. It didn’t bring pain back up. Neither of us have a horrific memory of that place. What I felt was such a leaning of the Spirit saying, ‘You’ll be back here, your work here is not finished’. We got to see Susan, the bereavement counselor who goes to Highlands, and we told her that sometime in the future we want to participate in helping others who are going through this same tragedy. As we left I just felt again, so affirmed by God’s presence. I can’t wait to see when and how God will bring us back there.
Friends, God is telling His story. It is His. It is about Him. It’s not the story of you, me, Renee’, or my “Giant” “Peace” “Warrior” “Killer” Titus (I added the killer one). This life, this world, is the story of God. It is woven so intricately. We are all standing about an inch from the painting, and mostly can’t figure out what the painting looks like. God, in His great mercy, is inviting us all to get a chance to just take a few steps back and see what He is up to. The problem is, it usually involves pain**. And, evidently, we all want to avoid that. People keep telling me that they can’t believe Renee’ and I would pray and genuinely give God permission to strip us of everything we hold dear in this life in order to bring Himself complete glory. I seriously thought everyone was doing that. I didn’t know we were supposed to do it any other way. I hope that is not arrogant, it is not intended to be. Friends, family of God. Do not fear. This sucks, but we aren’t defeated, and we are not broken, and we are not lost. We are laughing. We are rejoicing. We are living out what this life is meant for, to know God, to be like Jesus, and to participate in the work of God’s kingdom. Sell all you have, face every fear, let go of all of your pride, and do whatever it takes to seek and find the one true God, Jesus Christ, who is the King of EVERYTHING. To Him be the glory, and the honor, and the power, forever and ever, amen.
If you are a Christian, grow, change, humble yourself, come under authority, don’t resist what God is trying to talk with you about, stop avoiding pain, repent, seek reconciliation with the brother or sister you have wronged or who has wronged you, forgive, worship with your lives, answer your call to ministry.
If you are not a Christian, that means you have not decided to let Jesus be the King of your life and rule you entirely. You either don’t believe He is God, or you do believe it but still want to be in control of your own life. God has been trying to show you He is real and His name is Jesus your whole life. And, believe it or not, He has led you right here, right now. You are reading my words. You are wrestling in your heart over all I have said and am saying. You are trying to figure out if I am just one of those religious fanatics who needs a crutch and chose Christianity, or if I am the real deal, and really do have the one true God in my life. If you are truly honest, you know that this God I believe is is the one true God. All you have to do is lay your pride and your selfishness and your desire to satisfy yourself in this life down, and say yes to Jesus. He died, same as Titus, for you. I would do anything to convince you, because it is the most important decision of your life. Taste what I am tasting.
Goodnight friends, we love you
C.J. and Renee’
*Stories to tell is an Irish folk song I wrote to celebrate our future children, the ones we cried out to God and begged Him for, and the ones He gave, and the ones He has taken (there are 4 up there), blessed be His name. The foreshadowing, and the combination of the content, style, and specifics of Renee’ and I’s Irish descent, plus the date of Titus’ birth and death, are overwhelming, and all point to God in such a radical way.
**For those of you who simply cannot reconcile pain and suffering with the existence of God, let me briefly try to offer you what I believe about this. God is God, the only God, and is the only eternal and perfect being. As a result, If He chooses to create, and He did, whatever He creates has to be created less perfect than He is, even if only created with the capacity for imperfection. God did not create pain, we did. He redeems pain through Jesus Christ. There is so much more that could be said about all of this. If you are genuine in seeking the answers to these difficult questions, God will answer. God always does things different than we think. You might think, ‘I have been a Christian my whole life, I have faithfully served Him. I am growing in my faith and try hard each day to do His will, shouldn’t I be the last person to have to experience this kind of pain?’ No, it is the opposite. Those who are closest to God, who glorify Him the most, are the best examples and witnesses of Jesus. Their pain draws this out. Are you willing? Not to mention. your pain makes you more like Jesus, isn’t that what you want? Is it what you really want? I hope it is.
God is soo good man. There is so much that I can’t wait to tell you. Thank you for the updates. Love you.
I can’t tell you how good I feel about your journey right now. It does suck. You are being held in the very heart of God. You will be a blessing over and over and over again to countless thousands of people because of the path you are walking with the Lord.
I am proud of your community for surrounding you with love. I wish I could have been there Monday night for your holy moment.
I remember well the holy moment I had with my community in Manteca, that December afternoon in 1987 for my Lindsay. Truly, you will always remember it well and always know the love you felt on your holy night.
Continued blessings and God’s favor to you both.
C.J,
I have no words to express how rejuvenated this makes me feel. Do you have any idea the impact you’re having on us? Talk about an eye-opener, an encouragement, a “re-vamping” of sorts of our faiths. This all registers so true and so…real.
At first, all I could think (in that self-centered way of mine) was, ‘oh man, I hope I have faith like that someday. I hope I have a marriage like that someday.’ But more and more it’s hitting me that, well, its not about me. Like you’ve said a million times, its not about us. Its God’s plan, God’s universe, and we’re God’s people. It’s about God. It’s just all making sense to me right now like never before.
More and more I’m seeing that life is about relationships; with the Lord, and with those around us. We’re all flawed and broken and ridiculously human, but its… I dunno, you’re the writer; help me out here.
So much for tentative faith. Most of us tip-toe around God, faith, and living purposefully. You and Renee seem to run for God with full abandon. I love that! It’s amazing. You know, give up everything. Lose your lives for Jesus’ sake. I’m so overwhelmed with how incredible God is right now. I just want you to see how huge this is in all of our lives. Meaning, your openness, your fierce desire for God, etc.
Thank you. I could ramble on and on…
i have been looking at your blog everyday and i want you to know that you’re are changing people. You’ve changed me. You have made me want to be a christian that gives my all to god no matter my doubts, you have squashed my fears, and given me a chance to see God working so amazingly in your life. Thank you for all you have shared, and for your complete trust in God.
My first thought when I read this was, “Sure, I pray for God to use whatever means necessary to refine me and glorify Himself” but I do not pray with something specific in mind that I could lose. Do we really understand “whatever means necessary”? Do I say “God break me and use me even if it means losing my family? My friends? My own life?” Like Kevin said on Monday night, that is unbelievably scary.
Yet, this is precisely what Abraham was willing to do with Isaac. God literally asked him to give up his own son and Abraham was willing and completed trusted God’s hand in that. I’ve read that story a million times and now it’s taken on an entirely new meaning. It’s so stretching and I feel like I’m literally experiencing growing pains. It’s painful and necessary.
Like you said about Lead me to the Cross, I feel like I sang “Blessed Be Your Name” for the first time on Monday. You’ve never really sung the words “You give and take away, blessed be Your name” until you’ve sung it out of the pain of fresh loss.
In my Bible I’ve underlined Phillipians 3:7-10 and thought to myself, “Yeah, I want this to my life verse.” But I see now I’ve been a hypocrite.
“But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.”
God, I pray these words would begin to take root.
Thank you, CJ and Renee. I am so blessed to know you.
CJ and Renee-
I know that you guys know this already but I wanted to tell you again. We love you so much. We are so glad we get to call you friends and grieve and rejoice with you. I, Kelly, am seeing so much impact within the Element community as I have been meeting with more and more gals this week with so many questions. Their eyes have been opened to what faith looks like and trusting in the midst of suffering as well as rejoicing. Thank you for keeping us updated and giving them and us the ability to see that played out firsthand. You guys know some of mine and Michael’s story. You have been next to him through some of his healing CJ and that has been huge in my own life to see. You don’t know most of my own story though. Maybe we’ll get to share that with each other some day soon. That being said, Watching you guys now has challenged me to not fear the pain that comes right along with the healing. So many things in my life that has happened to me…and I have been a pro at pushing a lot of it to the back of my mind…I realize that I have faced some but kept quite a bit “in the closet” so to say. I am rejoicing today as I see God putting His hand on me and picking those things and asking me to trust Him completely with them instead of just halfway. Asking me to not be lukewarm in anything. To trust Him to hold me in the palm of His hand as I face the rawness and pain of some of what has happened to me in my life. Your Titus has been the catalyst for this. Your lives has challenged me! Thank you. To God be the glory friends! Again, we love you so much!
KP
CJ and Renee-
We wanted to tell you we love you and were honored to be there Monday night to share in not only your grief but also your joy that Titus belongs to God. We will continue to hold you in our prayers.
Ryan and Candy Stephens
C & Renee,
I agree, the memorial service couldn’t have been more inspired. It was truly a celebration of your journey, a reminder of God’s magnificent grace, a taste of heaven, and a means for healing to begin. Thank you for allowing us to be a part of that! I must say, C, you are so much like Adam (you must have rubbed off on one another, huh?) – you know he has always said the same about our Ti, “killer.” Can you imagine – such a sweet boy? But, yes, that Giant can kill with one look or one hug. You are done for. Sounds to me like your precious Giant did the same with the two of you – his short life has done you in and you are the better for him! Love you so much – Mom Peg ps – I’m so glad to have had a brief time to visit with your mom, C.
Reneé,
Seeing you Monday night standing up in front of your friends and family, with CJ holding you tightly, sharing with us what you are going through, was a moment I will not soon forget. I saw a woman, a mother, who has been through so much pain and hurt over her life choose to deny herself and to glorify God with everything she has. After the service was over, I sat at the back and watched as you and CJ welcomed the love of those around you. It was one of the beautiful pictures of God’s love I have ever seen. Like you said that night, I saw the bride of Christ at her best.
I am deeply saddened by the hurt that you are both having to face right now. You and CJ are the most incredible, God-honoring parents I know, and I feel so blessed to call you my friends. My prayer for you three now is that your story will never fade, in my own heart, in the hearts of others who have heard, and in the hearts of those who have yet to hear. I hope that you will never let up, but continue to seek God in your suffering and joy.
Love you guys,
Phillip
C.J.,
I think I’ve known you guys for about a year now and until a week ago, I realized you have a blog page. I received an email from you last Friday, which explained the events that had taken place. It’s difficult for me to know where to begin, but I as your brother in Christ I will just speak from my heart. I feel ashamed and humiliated that I have not taken the time to get to know you and Renee better over the last year. Since your son Titus has left to be with Christ, I have not been able to stop thinking about you guys. You posses more Godly power than I have ever felt from other believers before, due to your full submission to Christ. No one can touch your integrity. There are few people in my life, to whom I can point others towards to say, “If you want to see Jesus, watch C.J. and Renee”.
I think I’ve briefly shared my history and testimony with you before, so it’s important for you to know that the destruction of my past and my present has and is PRIDE. Reading your blog over the last week and being at the memorial service has completely broken me. Which as you know is the best place to be for Jesus to grab a hold of you. This experience has brought me totally humility. I think I’ve shared your story with a million people over the last few days.
I want You to know that the story of Titus is and will be bringing many people to know Jesus Christ. For guys like me who are already saved, your story and example of commitment to Christ is going to help shape me closer to what a follower of Christ really looks like. You two are the real deal.
It’s good for you to know that the both of you are as authentic of people that the world can come by. I am so honored to be apart of your lives and have the privilege of knowing you. C.J, I would go to battle with you any day of the week.
Oh Christ; be the center of our lives; be the place we fix our eyes!! You hold everything together!! We lift our eyes to heaven and we wrap our lives around YOUR life!!!! How easy it is to sing that song, easy to say the words; but is He really the center of our lives?
Titus, CJ and Renee- God is working so powerfully through each of you!! Showing us; reminding us of what a true James kind of faith looks like. Not just saying we are CHRISTians, but living it out- doing it, or it is useless. Coming together in Christ in love, that we can only do, if He really is the center of our lives!
It’s like God’s Spirit is really grabbing so many of us through your unshakeable faith- and making us get real and wake up, and cry out for God to be the CENTER of our lives; no matter what may come our way!!
I praise God for your sharing your life and heart so much before this in song, now through real life pain, and showing us how God is right now working in so many ways!! As Easter is coming; He is alive, and wants to get our attention! How amazingly awesome that He brought you right back to the same hospital room; showing you how He can turn all things to good, and the great plans He has ahead for you!!
Renee, I so pray your headache is better, and you are going to be feeling better and better each day!!
May we never be the same; may we seek God with all our heart, as we remember Titus’s gift always; of bringing us before the King of Kings, and surrendering our life before God.
Thanking God that CJ and Renee, you hold on to our Wounded Healer, who came to fix our broken lives, and that you are letting Him lead so many to the Cross, through this!!
May God pour out His healing all over you,
Denise
Precious CJ, Renee & Titus,
I’ve been a Christian for about 12 years now…and always knew I should be closer to the Lord but figured, coming from my “traditional” church roots, that I was doing ok. After all, I go to church, small group and try to read my Bible…I have a personal relationship with Jesus. So, why am I struggling with all the events of the past week? I’ll tell you, it’s because you & Renee have lived out my deepest fear, losing a loved one…especially a child! AND your message is to TRUST and SURRENDER! Oh dear, that seems a bit extreme to a control freak like me! Surely I need to maintain control to avoid pain. What? You say, joy, praise & peace IN the pain? Give God the pain? Allow yourself to be open for MORE pain? Let God use you for His glory in the midst of struggles? NO WAY! That is, unless I want to have the faith & trust in our Lord and Saviour that I see modeled so amazingly in your precious family. Dear precious ones, such a faith walk seems reserved for a select group of God’s best. However, I know that is a cop-out and excuse to avoid what He is leading me to do. Your family is a light, an real testimony to God’s power…not our own power, to be sure. If we would only totally trust & give ourselves to Him completely. I know the Holy Spirit is prompting me to grow as I read more of your journey. Thank you for being so transparent. Your Titus is making a huge impact for the Kingdom. Thank you, Bergman Family, for inspiring this old dog to try a new trick, to get out of my comfort zone, to (oh dear) totally surrender and TRUST HIM!
God continue to bless you & hold you & guide you. With continued prayers & hugs,
Susan xoxox
CJ & Renee,
When I return to your blog to check on how you guys are doing…you are the ones that encourage me! THANK YOU so very much for being Jesus in the skin, both of you that is. Your experience has deepened my faith and brought my relationship closer to Him…I am sorry it took the death of Titus to open the eyes of so many people. As I read your words it is hard for me to beleive that you were once that little boy I use to baby sit that would sit next to me and listen to me read to you for long periods of time. WOW, how God is using you…and Renee as well! You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers as you travel into each new day. Since we are in Manteca….and did not get to hug you on Monday night, our hugs are sent your way! ;o)
Blessings today & always,
Jennifer & family
CJ and Renee- please know that your blog, your story, continues to bless us every day. Sharing the difficult road you are walking on serves as a living example to all. Your willingness to open up and share at a time like this- well, it just honors the heart of God in such a GIANT way. You are an inspiration at a bleak time for many.
We are praying for God to continue to reveal himself even more to you and for you to continue to be a blessing to others in their time of need.
2 Corinthians 1:3 says, “Praise be to the God and Father of Our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.”
You are living this right now–and I have a feeling you will bless so many in the years ahead who go through a similar tragedy.
Your sweet family- CJ, Renee, Titus- you are in our constant thought and prayers.
Love…Jody
CJ,
You don’t know me. A friend of mine that goes to Highlands asked me to pray for you and your family after finding out about your son. So…I did. Then, that same friend sent me a link to your blog. Which, after reading, I forwarded on to many others. Your words are so inspiring and faithfilled right smack dab in the middle of what many would consider the worst days of their lives. Still more inspiring, nearly every blog invites your readers to accept Christ. Thank you for representing our God in such an awesome and loving and accurate way!
God Bless
“People keep telling me that they can’t believe Renee’ and I would pray and genuinely give God permission to strip us of everything we hold dear in this life in order to bring Himself complete glory. I seriously thought everyone was doing that. I didn’t know we were supposed to do it any other way.”
So humbling..I couldn’t help but shake my head in amazement and say to myself, “of course they pray that.” I am so quickly humbled as I sometimes get frustrated with loss in my own life, or personal struggle that I don’t understand and you two are asking the Lord to take everything for the sake of building his story – for spreading his word rapidly and with honor. Driving down to see my grandpa this afternoon the Lord quickened me to have a time of silence afterward, of course the only cd in my car is yours, CJ. Take all of me was repeated many a time and I couldn’t help but focus on the verse that says, “all that I have is all intended for your glory…” Your now experience teaches me that it’s not just a song written for you that sounds good to worship to, it’s your lifestyle.
God is so good! Glory be to the One who is perfect. He is with you…
Bless you for purely and beautifully glorifying our God.
Thank you for so intimately sharing with us the details of your transforming and inspiring journey. You are touching us all.
Praise God, now and forever!